my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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