He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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