I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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