Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
