She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
