I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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