I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
