my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
