i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
