Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
