She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
