dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
