I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
