with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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