You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
