God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
