at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
