you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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