i think my mom watched the whole time
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
