I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
