I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You are the jesus of drinking
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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