Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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