I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
