you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
