so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
