we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
