Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You're like the curious george of whores
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
