just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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