I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
