If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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