My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
