Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
