Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
