I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
