your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
