You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
