you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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