Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
