You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
