well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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