Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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