I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
