I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
