Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
