guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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