Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
