My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
