getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
