Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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