The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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