id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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